Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone Paperback – Illustrated, March 4, 2015

As the title indicates this book is about discovering "the secret to getting through to absolutely anyone". In this book Mark presents what he calls the "Persuasion Cycle". He argues that all successful communications move through the steps of this cycle, from beginning to end. The stages are:-From resisting to listening-From listening to considering-From considering to willing to do-From willing to do to doing-From doing to glad they did and continuing to doThe book then goes on to introduce rules and techniques that can be leveraged to move people through the different stages of this cycle. Section II of the book details the nine core rules: move yourself from "OH F#@& to OK", rewire yourself to listen, make the other person feel "felt", be more interested than interesting, make people feel valuable, help people to exhale emotionally and mentally, check your dissonance at the door, when all seems lost - bare your neck, steer clear of toxic people.Section III introduces techniques that can utilized to "achieve buy-in and get through": the impossibility question, the magic paradox, the empathy jolt, the reverse play, empathy jolt #2, "do your really believe that", the power of "hmmm...", the stipulation gambit, from transaction to transformation, side by side, fill in the blanks, take it all the way to "no", the power thank you and power apology.The last section, section IV, Mark applies the above learning to successfully navigate through seven challenging situations: the team from hell, climbing the ladder, the narcissist at the table, stranger in town, the human explosion, getting through to yourself, six degrees of separation.What sets this book apart is the breadth in which it covers the topic of listening from the fundamentals to the techniques to the application. This makes it very practical and applicable in any situation one can encounter, whether at work or at home. Mark does an excellent job of enriching the book with his numerous insights and rich experiences. A highly recommended read.Below are some excerpts from the book that I found particularly insightful:1- "When you go from "Oh F#@& to OK," you go from being fixated on the way you are convinced the world should or shouldn't be, but never will be, to being ready to deal with the world the way it is."2- "...The way to truly win friends and influence the best people is to be more interested in listening to them than you are in impressing them."3- "So: how do you master the skill of being interested - and be sincere when you do it? The first key is to stop thinking of conversation as a tennis match. (He scored a point. Now I need to score a point.) Instead, think of it as a detective game, in which your foal is to learn as much about the other person as you can. Go into the conversation knowing that there is something very interesting about the person, and be determined to discover it."4- "Passion is about the vision of the company. People want to believe that they're doing an important job that makes a difference to their customers and clients, and puts a smile on their facts. Enthusiasm is about execution. Even with a great vision, people lose their enthusiasm and fail to accomplish what they're capable of doing if their leaders are dropping the ball. Pride is about vision, but also about ethics, because few people feel proud if their company is doing something dishonest. It's also about doing something meaningful, because as people grow older, leaving the world better than they found it becomes more important."5- "Owning up to your feeling of vulnerability is empowering. It prevents an amygdala hijack that could result in rash decisions and seriously bad life choices. It allows you to exhale, rather than blowing up. Doing the opposite - pretending your're fine when your world is imploding - can be dangerous or even deadly."6- "Invite people to tell you what they think is impossible, and they'll lower their guard to consider what's possible."7- "To Succeed in your career, it's less important what you know or even who you know than who truly knows you and how they know you. - Ivan Misner, Founder, BNI"

I've always been better at 'telling' than listening. In fact I was listening impaired until my late 40's - so much so that my inability to listen nearly destroyed my most important relationships. No, I'm not going to credit Mark Goulston's "Just Listen" with saving my marriage, but I will credit Mark's book with helping me understand and develop the emotional intelligence to be more empathetic with others and with myself."Just Listen" starts out with a brief explanation of brain physiology, a model about how persuasion works and the idea of "buy-in" supported by emotionally moving anecdotal examples of how theory comes alive in practice. Mark introduces the important idea of 'mirror neuron receptor deficit' and how it affects our emotions and is the key for understanding how to listen effectively.I find Chapter 1, "Who's Holding You Hostage" one of the more powerful chapters in the book because it taps into an experience most people have had at some point in their lives - finding themselves 'held hostage' by the perception that no one understands us or can relate to the emotions we feel. These experiences don't always end in a literal gun-to-your-head standoff, but the effects can be just as devastating.The cover of "Just Listen" promises to reveal the "secret to getting through to absolutely anyone". The irony of the promise is that it includes getting through to oneself. I've read the book two times cover-to-cover and return to it frequently as a trusted resource. Mark's insights aren't a series of parlor tricks for getting what you want or manipulating others through coercion. Mark speaks to the fundamental human need for authentic connection - for being understood for who are as we are. "Just Listen" lays out 'Nine Core Rules For Getting Through to Anyone'. These rules are meant to be applied using the principle of the reciprocity - treat others the way you wish to be treated. Each of the rules can be thought of as anchor points or navigational buoys for charting a course in building effective and healthy relationships. Like navigational aids, the rules help ensure the safety of the journey. They are not the journey itself nor do they guarantee the journey will be easy. But without them you run the risk of running aground and sinking your boat.The Nine Rules are followed by twelve practical techniques for breaking through when people and situations 'get stuck'. Of the twelve techniques The Impossibility Question, "Do You Really Believe That?", Fill in the Blanks, and From Transaction to Transformation are my favorites because I have been able to make them my own and use them authentically with others. The key to using any tool or technique is to know when it is appropriate to use and when it is not. Just because you have a hammer doesn't mean everything is a nail. Mark provides adequate context for helping determine when a technique may prove useful. However, there is no substitute for preparation and practice. Using any of these techniques requires the investment of time and energy to internalize and make them your own.The last section of the book, "Putting It All Together: Fast Fixes for Seven Challenging Situations", is a deeper dive into combining the techniques to resolve 'stickier' problems. Chapter 29, "Getting Through to Yourself" is a gem. The chapter is short but if the reader engages honestly with the material they may find it the most beneficial. In it, Mark addresses our tendency to be overly self critical by asking us to ask ourself, "What's holding you back from accomplishing your goals, and how frustrating is that for you?" Mark suggests that if the reader examines their answer to the question carefully they may discover they are suffering from their own serious mirror neuron receptor deficit.Mark's writing style is clear and concise. The structure of the book makes it come across as 'formulaic' and is designed to appeal to readers looking for a quick fix. The real value of "Just Listen" comes in reading and rereading the book over a period of months wrestling with the implications of what it means to really listen to others and what it means to be deeply heard ourselves.

I read the book twice and found the tricks offered very well explained with excellent examples of people from all walks of life.There are so many tricks offered, that for similar situations you end up having multiple to chose from. Mark at times points out to use another one if the first did not work. I therefore can see how in the end after reading the book, one may feel overwhelmed or even confused, which of the tricks to use when. It will require probably a lot of practice to use the appropriate trick at the right time.Somebody who's day to day job is to assess people and their state of minds, is exposed to the curse of knowledge and may therefore forget that it took that person years to become an expert psychiatrist and to gather all the practical experience we find in his book. So I will probably start using one or two of the offered tricks at the time and try to get good at them before moving on with the next few.In order to do that I first have to review areas that I feel I need to address within myself most and work the priority list using the tricks accordingly.Trying to use everything at once you will probably get you in some awkward situations. Just count the number of wonderful questions that are offered for different scenarios...So a few a the time. The good news is that you will have enough material to use for a long time.Mark, thank you for sharing so much of your experience with us.